Self Portrait Tuesday ~ Mess!

For this final installment of the "All of Me" self-portraits I am looking at my mess. Yep, there it is. Undeniably mess. Undeniably mine.

I think of myself as an organized and together person. I've got a passion for lists and planning. My datebook is my friend. And yet, I look around and see reflected back to me that I also generate mess. Papers pile up. Projects stay out. Things don't have a home. It drives me crazy. I can get overwhelmed when everywhere I look there is something that needs to be done. I get sad when I feel that there isn't a home for something, like there's a piece of my life that isn't being nurtured and taken care of. And I get mad when it all just seems to get in the way! Mess really pushes my buttons!

So, how do I fall in love with my mess? How do I not only accept it but celebrate it? I'm thinking back to my Wild Woman of Toronto self-portrait last week and seeing a theme emerging. I've been thinking about mess as all the stuff I need to put order to, make sense of, get clear on, take care of, control. This leaves me feeling judgemental, driven and discouraged. But what if instead I looked for the message in the chaos? What is chaos is trying to tell me? What is dying to bust out and be heard no matter how hard I try to make it behave? What part of me doesn't want to play by the rules?

What's Important?

Whenever I'm feeling really frazzled or down, I know it's time look at what's important. I'm not talking about what *should* be important or what commonly accepted wisdom says is important. I mean very specifically what's important to me. When I'm feeling out of sorts, it generally means that my life has gotten out of alignment with my values.

We all have of values. Many clients have told me that getting clear on their values is life-changing. Once you are conscious of what's actually important to you, it is so much easier to make choices that support who you are. So what are your values? If you have trouble coming up with an answer, think about a time you were really happy and/or really felt like yourself. What was happening? What/who was present? What did you value about that experience?

One thing that often gets in the way of us getting an authentic list is we have lots of ideas on what we *should* value (and so do our partners, bosses, families, to name a few). Maybe we imagine our parents would be mortified if we value excitement over security. Perhaps we feel guilty if we value fun more than hard work. But if we do, we do. If we create a life based on what others value or what we think we should value, we find that we're living a life that has nothing to do with who we are. We end up working hard to create an environment in which we feel like a stranger.

So, if you do make a list of your values, take a good look at it afterwards and say, does this really belong to me? Think of a time when you made a choice in line with that value, were you happier with your life? Rhonda Britten has a great technique to double-check your values. She suggests you list people who are heroes to you, people you greatly admire. What do you believe their values might be? Check them against yours. What do you see?

So really, truly, in your deepest heart, what's important to you? What makes your heart soar and your soul sing? When do you feel just like yourself and completely alive?

Jamie's Values
(aka what's important to Jamie)

• Freedom/Authenticity/Integrity (being who I am)
• Self Expression (putting who I am out in the world)
• Creating/Building (making things and making things happen)
• Love (being loving and loved, celebrating love, adding to my loved ones' joy and life, community, loyalty, compassion)
• Beauty (appreciating, creating, celebrating)
• Pleasure (sensuality, passion, fun, dancing, tasting life, joy)
• Home (creating and maintaining a place of serenity, beauty, ease, support and welcome)
• Celebration (every special and glorious moment of life)

Inspire Me Thursday!

First of all, I need you to know that I am not an egomaniac, though my posting 3 different pictures of myself in a row may challenge that statement! It just so happens that I'm participating in a bunch of things that have invited me to be the centre of my art. (In fact, it's a little hard to avoid in Self Portrait Tuesday, hehe). And I have to tell you I continue to laugh at these gawd-awful unflattering pictures of me I keep putting up. It wasn't so long ago that I would have never ever ever EVER considered sharing such pictures, and now they make me laugh. Having said that, I plan on finding a regular and kind of nice photo of me sometime soon that I can share, hehe.

Today's post is my first participation in Inspire Me Thursday. Thank you so much, Meg for thinking of me! This week's inspiration is to do a self-portrait. I just loved the ones that grade three students did of themselves. They made me want to pull out my pastels. And I had this outrageously scary closeup that I had printed up to potentially use for something. I had no idea it would come out as big and close as it did. I was literally startled when it came out of the printer. So I thought well, if I'm looking at myself that close, I might was well get closer!

I used the printout of as an opportunity to intimately explore the shading of my face. I'll smooth it around later and see what happens. But it kind of made me laugh like this, so at least for a little bit I'll keep it. There's something really freeing about being able to giggle at yourself!

Song

This was my entry for this week's Illustration Friday for the theme: Song. This is also my first mixed media collage piece. Yay! I did it. And what's more, I had fun. In celebration, I want to share with you a poem by Lorna Crozier. I pulled out some of her poems that I had tucked away, looking for the rest of the one I quoted yesterday. In its stead, I offer this:

Put a Finger to Your Lips
by Lorna Crozier

My heart lies sleeping in the rushes
in a willow basket lined with cotton.

It is sleeping until it learns to be gentle.
It is sleeping until a woman lifts her skirts
and wades in the water to claim it
though it would rather live
in a red fox, a willow basket.

Lovers circle in the shape of swallows,
devour mosquitoes and the heart's malice.
Shooting stars trace its history across the sky.

In its dream it puts on feathers,
it puts on turquoise slippers.
In its dream it plays Billie Holiday
on a gramophone.

Put a finger to your lips, don't disturb
the angels dancing on the heart's pins.
In white rushes it is learning
to be gentle.

Self Portrait Tuesday ~ The Wild Woman of Toronto

Last "All of Me" Self Portrait Tuesday, I celebrated the sunbeam-y part of me. I thought it only fair to include a nighttime version as well. My sister had this little treasure tucked away in one of her photo albums. Oh, my!

I keep laughing when I look at this photo. I look like I should be in a Wes Craven movie about werewolves, werewolves that haunt the downtown clubs of Toronto and frequent the TTC (our subway). We had the time of our lives when we were clubbing. I've never felt so free. My sister and another close girlfriend of ours (Hi, Gala!) and I were out there all the time. We had our spot for Thursdays, Fridays, Sundays and Mondays. Saturdays were too busy and attracted a crowd we didn't love. Tuesdays never had anything cool happening. And Wednesdays were a bit borderline. Thank goodness every night wasn't great for clubbing because it gave us some time to sleep. Not that we felt like we needed any sleep. Far from it.

Looking at this picture (flattering as it is, lol) I'm reminded how important it is for me to invite some wildness into my life, and I mean great rebellious glorious wildness not something more like the chaos and madness of trouble. I don't know if you're like that but if things get too mild, too bland, too normal, I have been known to get restless and like a little monkey start looking for trouble to liven things up. So instead of trouble, this year I'm inviting in magic to stir this wild heart. I'm open to the amazing and the unexpected. I'll be planting magic seeds all year and am so curious about what will sprout.

And in that spirit, I end once again with my very favourite line from a poem:

"The wind is a woman and she dances."
Lorna Crozier

Ease

My plan for tonight was to put up my figment about hell. I was excited about being a little bit closer to putting up the right thing on the right day. And as I sat down, man, oh, man, I struggled with getting my picture in a format that could go online. And on top of that, my computer is having some problems and its incessant hum is driving me insane! I was struggling, futzing, fuming and then I remembered ~ Hey, you created the blog to be fun, to be inspired, to support your joy and creativity. There's no room for futzing and fuming! (Deeeeep breeeeeth, shaking it off)

And so in today's regularly scheduled figment spot, I bring you a moment of ease. A reminder that it doesn't always have to fit into the schedule, the rules or the mindset. That sometimes it's way more fun and rewarding to just ease up. And on that note, I'm going to have some tea and cuddle with my honey!

Little Kid Paint and Me

This picture still makes me laugh. This is our cat Jinx in front of a beautiful vista painted by our niece, my husband and myself. One day our niece came over to hang out, and we decided it would be cool to do a big art project all together. We went to the local art store and bought some kid paint, some glitter glue and a big piece of paper. We were set. We spent hours at our dining-room table painting and sparkling up our piece. We had a blast.

Not only was the day a lot of fun, but it reminded me that I really like painting. I hadn't painted for years (if you don't count apartment walls or trim). One of the lessons I learned was that little kid art stuff is not intimidating at all. So I went out and bought some just for me. It was fun and playful just to use familiar stuff. And because it's pretty cheap, I didn't worry about wasting it. And because it's pretty, well, crappy, I didn't worry about the end result. I just got hooked on the process and on having some fun.

This week I've been doing some work on mixed media collage. And thank you everyone who has been so encouraging about my explorations. I've had lots of fun painting backgrounds and figuring out what might work, what I like, what looks horrible (hehe) and what makes me go, Oooh. One of the things I've experimented with are those cakes of paint I used in elementary school. Today I had fun making happy backgrounds with the brightest possible little kid yellow and green. What a blast.

I'm so glad we had that play day with my niece. It really opened up a new world for me. As clearly it did for Jinx.

Coaching Extravaganza!

My big excitement today is that I have officially started my 12-minute Coaching Extravaganza! I was a bit nervous, but now that I've started I am so excited. I'm a life coach and for the past 6 months I have been studying to become certified. I'm done my course work and the final step is an exam in two parts: a written portion and two 12-minute coaching sessions.

So to practice my 12-minute coaching I came up with a scheme where I would offer 12-minute sessions for $5 and donate the money to Inner City Angels, a group that brings the arts to at risk youth and children in Toronto. I am psyched! I get to introduce people to coaching, support people in their dreams and raise money that will bring art to kids - WOW! I've received tons of support and so much interest. It has really been exciting.

Today I had my first sessions and any nerves I had about it totally melted away. I love what I do. I'm wild about people and committed to being a part of making dreams come true. I'm always growing as a coach, and I am certainly growing as a woman who is designing her own business. The energy and excitement that has surrounded this event is definitely the direction that I want to go with my work.

Self Portrait Tuesday ~ All of Me Part 2

When I looked at this picture I knew that this was a part of accepting all of me. This is a part of my angel costume for Halloween. I was an angel, but an angel in a black dress.

People who know me will have seen me in many a black dress. I'm with Chanel on that one. So the part that feels, well, a bit uncomfortable is the (I'm whispering this now) angel part. Truth be told I've always been, well, kind of a Polyanna. (People who know me will know that too). I always look on the bright side of things. I always try to be nice. I can't lie worth a darn. A little while ago I was a bit short with a sales guy at the door and I cried afterwards I felt so bad!

And for a time in my life, this happy, shiny attitude, well, I thought it kind of sucked. You know, it's not terribly sexy. It's not edgy, cool or hip. I remember acting in a show and someone said to me, "Jamie, you're such a sunbeam." I love that, but you know, it sure doesn't scream "theatre school."

Writing this I realize how much my perspective has changed. I completely own the good girl in me. And I know that it in no way gets in the way of my hipness or sexiness. It doesn't make me less powerful or less interesting. And every day I continue to see that what really makes someone attractive, fascinating and compelling is when they are being who they truly, deeply are.

Figment 6 ~ Heaven

What does heaven look like to me?

I found this Figment to be the toughest so far and by far. First of all, "heaven" sounds so religious and, like Frankie recently explored, I too know that I am deeply spiritual, but I am not religious in the slightest. So that got me stuck.

And then I started thinking, well, what's my view of "the spiritual." I started imagining the cosmos and how we're all connected and how I might convey that. I thought of the sky and stars and the big blue marble. But I still felt kind of disconnected, uninspired.

Then I thought, well, maybe I won't participate for this one. Maybe I don't have an idea of what heaven is. That's okay. Though if next week's hell, I've got a few thoughts!

So I put that behind me and started working on something I'm interested in but kind of-- Who am I kidding? That I'm totally scared of: creating a mixed media collage journal. When I look at people's work online my tummy sort of drops, and I get completely overwhelmed. I have to take a good long break from it, and then I'll find myself drawn back for more. I have no idea where to begin. I've read voraciously all sorts of blogs that give clues about how people actually create their work. What kind of paper do they use? What kind of paint? How did they print that? What adhesive? Was that crayon? And still, I'm scared.

So I've been using a great Julia Cameron technique. I've kind of been sneaking up on it. Saturday I cleared of the table I would work on. Yesterday, I pulled out paper and books I might try out. Today I popped to the store and decided to buy some stuff to play with: gesso, Golden soft gel medium, a small book with watercolour paper and some little kid paint. (I've also learned that a great way to get past being intimidated by art is to play with the stuff you played with as a kid)

When I got home I decided that all I would do would be to gesso some pages (as one blogger suggested), paint a couple of pages (as another suggested). That's it. That's all I was going to do. I put on my little blue painting apron. I put my hair in a ponytail. I put on some music, and I just painted some paper with gesso. As I stood there watching this paper curl and that paper lie a bit flatter, I suddenly thought, this is it. This is heaven. I feel safe. I feel like me. I'm doing something I love. Heaven.

Postcard Wrapup

And so the wonderful postcard swaparoo is complete. I'm sorry that these postcards took a while to post. I had put them up but blogger had that "moment" last weekend, and I lost it. Let's look at the wonderful people who created these postcards. Top left was made by Bethieee. I'm wild for the colours! Thanks, Bethieee. And thank you for your awesome kind words about my blog.

Top right is from Robyn. Robyn pointed me to postcrossing, which is really cool. I've participated in bookcrossing, which is also awesome. Thanks, Robyn!

Middle left is a such a happy card from Mari. Thank you, Mari! And I absolutely agree with you about the joys of having a cat! I have two (Jinx is on my lap right now) and they are blessings! Thanks, Mari!

In the centre there is a happy corgi from Wendy. It has lots of sparkle and beads! Very cool. Thanks, Wendy!

And speaking of sparkle, on the bottom left is a puppy looking at fireworks from Hayley. Thank you, Hayley. And thank you also for coming to my blog and for your really nice words.

On the middle left is a happy, happy card from Maxine. It's funny; I had admired this card online before I received it. It's so cheerful. Thanks, Maxine!

And in the bottom right is a lovely card from Stephanie. I love the flannel on it and found that I just couldn't stop touching it. Thank you, Stephanie!

Thank you again to everyone who sent me a postcard. And if you received one from me, I really hope you liked it. Participating in this was such a blast. I'd do it again in an instant. And thank you especially to Myra for organizing the event. What a treat! Good karma for you!

Another Round of Tag!

It's tag time again! Thanks for tagging me, Meg! Thanks for tagging Meg, Alexandra!

What were three things when you were little you wanted to be when you grew up?

• A dancer
• An actor
• A gypsy

You can live one day over again from your childhood. What day will it be?

• When I grew up in Roxboro, there was an event every summer called Roxboro Day. It involved kids play-day activities during the day, fireworks once it got dark and a street dance when the fireworks over. Every year we went home after the fireworks. Every year I dreamed of going to the dance. In the very last year we lived there, my parents let me go back to the dance all by myself. I was 11 years old. It was magical and fun and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

You have two minutes (and a mover with you if you need heavy lifting help!) to grab 5 things from your home before it morphs into a polka dotted hobgblin and hops away. What will you take? (Food/drink/family/friends excluded!) (I'm assuming family includes pets because my cats would be a must!)

• My photos
• My journals
• My computer (with all files intact)
• My iPod
• My OSHO zen tarot cards

You have to paint one quote on your kitchen wall. What's it going to be?

• The wind is a woman, and she dances. Lorna Crozier.

What is one thing you want to have accomplished by the end of this year? (Oh, my it is really hard to put only 1. I'm a goal-setting fanatic. Okay, 3. I'll stick with 3.)

• Throw a dance party
• Complete my coaching certification
• Take my Nia blue belt

You are moving to the moon for one year and can only bring one flower with you. What kind will you bring?

• A white orchid.

You just received word that aside from one flower, you can also bring five books with you too! Your choices? (And I'm going to sneak a pen with me)

• Lord of the Rings (I'm with Meg on this one)
• A journal
• A book of poetry
• An instructional book on drawing (Drawing on the Left Side of the Brain or A Natural Way to Draw)
• The Artist's Way

Tagging:

• Suzie
• Shannon
• Vern
• Dan

And anyone else that is wants to play, please, join in! The more the merrier!

Self Portrait Tuesday ~ All of Me

When I read this month's theme was "all of me, embrace your mistakes, love the ugly bits," frankly I was mortified! I was like, "Are you kidding?" And when I finally managed to lift my jaw off the floor I thought, "Okay, I'm going to be brave. Jamie, one of your big values is being brave. You can do it. Remember what Meg said 'I'm not fragile anymore.' Go for it."

Then immediately I knew what picture I was going to use. I knew it had to be my grade 7 school pic. I was so committed to sharing this picture that I dug into the deepest box at the very bottom of an incredibly full closet. And I found it. There it was, just as I remembered it. Check out the dorky brown plastic glasses. You'll notice I have a chain around them (oh, my!). I think that was to try and convince everyone that I didn't need to wear them all the time (a complete and utter lie) and I didn't realize that style-wise I was emulating our librarian. And the hair - oh my! The classic middle part and I don't think you can see it here but there's a big hunk of hair on the left sticking up under the chain of my glasses. And just when I was actually sort of starting to revel in just how horrid this picture was something changed.

For the first time I looked down and saw this little 12-year-old me. I looked a little fragile, and I looked a little hopeful. It was a tough year for me. We'd just moved to Toronto from my much-loved Montreal, and I'd started school mid-term. And, you know, I had a tender smile and an open face. I was a good kid with a good heart. Who cares if I had goofy glasses.

Figment 5 ~ If I were a Superhero

Today, I wish I was a superhero who could stop time for a minute and catch up. Some of you probably know that Blogger had some issues this weekend. I lost an entire post. So if you are one of the creative beauties that sent me a postcard, know that I will try and get a pic up of them again soon. And to top that off, yesterday our Internet service was down. So here I am, feeling a bit behind, taking a deep breath and reminding myself that things happen at just the right time, not necessarily when I want them to.

Ahhh.... I think that little vent made space for my superhero. Today's pic is my 52 Figments contribution of me if I was a superhero. And when I look at it, I really want to thank Alexandra for the comment she left about collage the other day and how she'd thought of collage as the purview of artists. Alexandra, you really opened up something for me because I've actually never considered creating a collage to be creating art. I thought of it as something you did to gain some insight or to put all the things you like in one place. You made me look at it with new eyes and wonder, if collage is art, what's possible? Something yummy.

Recently in reading people's blog entries, I'm amazed at how blogging has been a way for so many people to come out as who they really are, to show and share this self that is blooming so large inside that it can't be contained, to say some things outloud for the first time and then be wildly amazed when you are heard. For me creating this blog was my way to come out as a creative person. It has sometimes been scary, but it has always been wonderful.

So thank you everyone for the magic and inspiration you are spreading. Know that in sharing yourself, you are changing the world. What superheroes you all are.

Pieces of Me

When I was doing my coaching training, one of our assignments was to bring in something that represented ourselves. I went home that night and made this collage. It sits inside a tray that was the centrepiece at our wedding. And in the centre of this I put a candle in a fantastic frosted glass container that has "magic" inscribed all over it.

I was so excited to share my creation when I arrived on course the next day. But it quickly became apparent that I was the only one who had made something. My excitement soon turned to self-consciousness. Everyone else brought pictures or something they carried with them. People told stories about representative moments. It was just the kind of moment my gremlin loves, "Jamie, who the hell do you think you are? This is a little pretentious, isn't it? I mean, no one else strolled in with a little homemade art project." And of course, it invoked other people's gremlins too, "Oh, were we supposed to make something? I didn't realize that. I just brought this photo. I hope that's okay." What a strong hold conformity has! As soon as difference arrived, insecurity came in holding her hand.

But coaches being coaches, we moved through the discomfort to find out what treasures were hidden in there. And truth be told, everyone's piece, whatever it was, was absolutely delightful. We asked each other what was significant about the words, the shape, the colour, the texture of the item. What memories did it bring up? In what way was it significant? What secrets did it reveal?Each item provided an opportunity to get to know each other better, to gain insight into the values and qualities of the person sharing the item. It also allowed them a chance to be seen and to have their own glorious uniqueness reflected back for them to see.

Having that kind of a conversation about my piece evoked a particular word, one that still has lots of resonance for me today: sparkle. I love things that sparkle, whether it's jewelery, champagne or someone's laughing eyes. And when I sparkle, I'm not self-conscious. I know that the gift I have to share is me. And when my gremlin asks "Who the hell do you think you are?" I say, "Jamie! And ain't that the greatest?"

Tagged - 4 Things

Well, it's a miserable day in Toronto today - snow, rain, cold, windy and very, very grey. This picture is a little moment in our garden from this winter. The tree cracks me up. It's so small that last year we had tulips that were taller! And beside it is my little clay gnome that I've had since I was in grade 8. He's got such a happy and peaceful smile. I used to take him to my exams with me and sit him on my desk. His base has gotten a bit broken, but I figure when he's dug right into the soil, he looks as good as new. He makes me laugh just peaking out of the snow like that!

Today on top of the dreadful weather, we spent some of the day working on our financial and tax situation. How much fun is that? Well, let's just say I am thrilled to bits to have the distraction of being tagged by Meg. And I am tagging Suzie once she's moved, and Shannon and anyone else who would like to participate - you're it!

Four Jobs I've Held

1. Life Coach
2. Closed captioning editor (I sometimes get to work on design shows - yay!)
3. Dance Teacher
4. Publicist

Four Movies I'd Watch Over and Over (and have)

1. Whale Rider
2. Moulin Rouge
3. Romy & Michelle
4. Star Wars

Four Places I've Lived

1. Roxboro, Quebec - my wild and magical childhood was spent here
2. Queen West - Toronto
3. College West - Toronto
4. In my imagination

Four TV Shows I've Watched

1. Coronation Street (but don't talk to me about it - we're a year behind here)
2. The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
3. Project Runway
4. How Not to Decorate

Four Places I've Vacationed

1. Punta Cana (The honeymoon suite was AWEsome!)
2. New York City
3. Cedar Point Amusement Park, Sandusky Ohio
4. Disney World (twice when I was a kid)

(Okay, that one's pointing out to me I really, really need to vacation more!)

Four of my Favourite Dishes

1. Ackee and Cod
2. My Mom's soup - any of them particularly the one with ham and peas
3. Shannon's stuffed mushrooms
4. Linguine Gorgonzola at our local restaurant, Sarah's.

Four Sites I visit daily

• Just check out my links (yeah, over there to the right, hehe) I check in on all these beautiful people daily to gain inspiration, motivation and connection. I'm really excited to have found such creative and wonderful people through blogging.

Four Places I Would Rather Be

• Indulging at the spa
• On the beach in Punta Cana with my honey
• Exploring the great galleries of Europe
• Helping my sister with her move

Wedding Anniversary ~ Take 4!

Today is our 4-year wedding anniversary! This picture is one of my very favourites from our honeymoon (guess which feet are mine). We had such a glorious time in Punta Cana after a spectacular nighttime winter wedding here in Toronto. One of the reasons we picked February 2 is because it marks the time when the light starts coming back and the days start getting longer. When I met my husband, it was like the light came back to my life. So today, to honour my husband, here are some of the many, many things he's taught me.

Things I've Learned from My Husband

• True love is worth holding out for.
• When you meet the right person, you know it.
• If something's bothering you, talk about it right away. What's hidden acts like a poison.
• You don't have to be perfect to be loved.
• Being treated with respect is what you deserve.
• Take time to relax.
• Enjoy your life.
• Wear a bib if you eat spaghetti.

Self Portrait Tuesday ~ Personal History

This picture is from the best summer job I ever had. When I was a teenager, I spent 4 summers working at Canada's Wonderland. The first year, I worked on rides. The next 2, at the dolphin show. And the last year, in the Smurf show. Now here's the funny thing, everyone. I am not the girl in the picture. Yes, I am a girl. And yes, I am in the picture. But I'm the one playing Papa Smurf!

What a blast we had that summer. There were 4 smurfs, and we were all young girls having fun. We would do a show and then pop out for ice cream or to chat with some cute boy or to see if we had time to take in a ride. My absolute favourite part of the job though was that we had to take dance class a couple of mornings a week. Yes, we had to take dance class. I remember thinking - what? they're paying me to take dance class?!?! It was the most awesome feeling.

Looking back on that time is also a reminder to me that I love having wacky memories, having done things that are perhaps a little bit odd or different. And I guess that's why I coach people who choose a different path, creative people who are trying to build a life around their own distinct personality that honours their heart and spirit. I am deeply committed that path.